‘My ex made me choose you’
Relationships are often described as complex, shaped by the bonds we witnessed growing up or influenced by childhood trauma. As I’ve come to better understand my own patterns, I find myself wondering: Are all my exes just like my dad? Did I choose them because they mirror the relationships I saw between my parents or grandparents?
These questions led me to reflect deeply and form a theory that, while personal, might spark something for you too.
Before I share it, let me be clear – this is based purely on my lived experience. It might not apply to you, but it may prompt you to think about your own dating patterns and what you’re really drawn to in a partner.
My theory is simple:
We may choose our first significant partner based on what we learned about relationships growing up. But after that, it’s your most recent meaningful relationship that takes centre stage and shapes who you’re likely to fall for next.
I believe what your ex deprived you of becomes your magnet to the next person.
(And if you haven’t had a significant ex, that magnet might instead be what your relational life has consistently lacked.)
Think about it: have you ever had a relationship where the same issue kept cropping up again and again? Maybe it was commitment, emotional safety, affection, or communication. Whatever it was, it felt like something essential was missing.
That persistent issue can create an emotional void – a craving for what you didn’t receive. So when someone new shows up, ticks a few basic boxes and more importantly offers that missing piece, you gravitate toward them. You notice it immediately. You feel relieved, even grateful, to have finally found it. That person becomes your magnet.
Why this matters:
That missing quality, the one you’re desperate for, can be so powerful that it blinds you to the rest of the person. You may find yourself thinking, Yes, they’re a little inconsiderate or avoidant, but at least they’re loyal, or They’re not great at communicating, but they’re so committed to me. In other words, you start to ignore other important qualities – or even outright red flags – because you’re so relieved to have found what was missing before.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t appreciate what someone brings into your life. But it’s essential to ask yourself: Are they bringing the quality I was missing… and everything else I also want in a partner?
Otherwise, you risk doing what I call turning a blind eye to bad qualities, a theme I explore in depth in my book. When one good trait stands out, it can become easy to overlook all the rest.
Significant partner refers to someone you had a meaningful and committed romantic relationship with – one that left an emotional imprint or where issues were genuinely felt.
Personal experience
The best way to describe the pattern in my own relationships is this:
Whatever I was deprived of in Relationship 1 (acceptance), I chased in Relationship 2.
Whatever I was deprived of in Relationship 2 (intentionality), I gravitated to in Relationship 3.
Relationship 1 – Mr Envy
Relationship 1 was with someone I’ll call Mr Envy. Honestly, I can’t recall why I picked him, but our relationship mirrored what I’d seen growing up – especially around finances and the role of a husband. In many ways, he behaved like my dad, and I responded to him the same way I’d seen my mum respond to my dad. That dynamic felt normal.
But what I remember most was how unaccepted I felt. Mr Envy would often pick at my personality, sometimes even calling me annoying or brushing me off like I was too much. I never felt like I belonged. It felt like he was just tolerating me.
Our personalities didn’t naturally click, and over time, I shrank into myself. I stopped being fully me in that relationship. I just existed in it. I didn’t realise it at the time, but it magnified an old wound I carried – this sense that I wasn’t enough and that people wouldn’t accept the real me. I thought I had to suppress my personality to fit in and be loved.
The relationship with Mr Envy chipped away at my sense of self, and when we broke up, a part of me always wanted to get back what I had lost in that relationship – I just wanted to be accepted.
That’s when Mr Obvious entered the picture.
Relationship 2 – Mr Obvious
From the start, being around Mr Obvious felt like a breath of fresh air. I could just be me. I didn’t have to change my personality or rehearse what I was going to say. I felt free. He loved the parts of me that others found annoying; he saw charm in my little quirks. It just felt like we were old kindred spirits, reconnecting after so many years apart.
He made me feel accepted in a way I didn’t even know I needed. I couldn’t help but be drawn to him.
While our friendship was beautiful, we had issues with cheating – which ultimately led to us breaking up. Despite this, I still held hope that we would get back together again. I kept hoping he would fight for us, show up differently, and finally make it clear that our relationship was as important to him as it was to me. But he never really did. Frustratingly, I felt that he didn’t shut the door on me either. He kept it open just enough for me to keep hoping that he would eventually choose us.
I craved commitment from him. I wanted to hear, I want you. I want us. But I never got that. And after years of heartbreak and uncertainty, I was left craving intentionality.
Then came Mr Sly.
Relationship 3 – Mr Sly
By the time he entered my life, I had been single for years. I’d tried dating here and there, but no one stuck. It was like my soul had made a pact with itself – if it wasn’t intentional, I wasn’t interested.
So when Mr Sly started talking about marriage, building a life together, and making long-term plans, I was sold. It was so refreshing to be in the presence of a man who spoke with such conviction. I finally felt like someone was choosing me – and doing so openly, without fear.
Just like that, I was hooked. I thought I had finally found what I’d been missing. But in clinging to his intentionality, I overlooked everything else. That relationship became miserable and unsatisfying, creating a whole new void in me.
So, if the pattern holds, and I follow what my past has taught me… the next person I’m likely to fall for will offer me the one thing I lost in my relationship with Mr Sly: peace.
What it means for you
Take a moment to reflect on your past relationship. What was missing? What issue caused you the most emotional distress?
Chances are, what your last relationship lacked will be what you’re drawn to next.
And that’s okay. But just make sure that in seeking what you lost, you don’t lose sight of what else matters.
